IT’S BEEN AWHILE.

So… I’ve had hiatuses from blogging before here and there but generally not this long for my personal blog (the tech one? well now, that is a COMPLETELY different story…). I’ve been around the interwebs here and there and occasionally posting on social media but I have been dealing with some things in my life that made this website feel like less of a priority. If you’re a curious person such as myself you may be wondering what things so I’ll just go ahead and dive right in… literally weeks after my last post on here in January I more or less had a mental breakdown. It was gradual but as it got worse it went from feeling like a slow fall to more of a “crash and burn” situation. While I knew I had issues and had discussed concerns with my spouse… making that step to actually do something about it was not easy. I finally made the necessary phone call though and they booked me an immediate appointment with a counselor the next day.

I spilled my guts to her about the kind of thoughts I’d been having lately and the way that I felt from day to day… she immediately recommended I see a psychiatrist for medication and also encouraged a short term disability leave from my job. I panicked for a few reasons… one I’d only been at my job for 3 months (literally fresh out of training) and two, fully acknowledging that I was dealing with mental health issues was tough for me. There’s still a bit of a stigma around it in today’s society and when you combine that with hereditary issues on both sides of my family and more directly my mother… it scared the crap out of me. I didn’t want to be that person… I didn’t want to need medicine to feel somewhat “normal” but I talked to my employer and given the circumstances they allowed me to take a leave for one month. During that month I began taking antidepressants and doing group therapy which has helped more than I could have ever imagined. I also realized that I had  a lot issues with anxiety and eventually was written a prescription for that as well. The anxiety medicine is just now starting to truly work after about 4 weeks but that plus my “happy pills” seems to be keeping me level headed. I’ve also started doing daily (well almost daily) meditation to help with my focus. Meditation was one of those things I had always been a bit skeptical of but it really does help me calm down when I’m anxious or help me feel more positive about my day if I do it prior to work. I don’t feel nearly as stressed out these days and I’m grateful that I decided to seek help before I did something stupid. My thoughts are much more positive now and I’m a lot happier as well.

Most importantly I still have my amazing husband by my side who has been beyond supportive  of me through any mental or physical illness that has come my way within the last couple years. I know there are a lot of people that deal with Behavioral Health out there but many aren’t very open about it and understandably so. I’m grateful to have such an understanding and supportive family and I pray I never take them for granted.

BITTERSWEET MEMORIES.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on here and the only excuse I have to offer is that I’ve been busy living life. My job all but drains me during the day and by the time I make it home its nearly 8 o’clock… and after this week my schedule will be shifting to a point where I don’t get home til closer to 10 in the evening. I’m grateful to have my job though because there were so many months last year that I wasn’t able to work.

The beginning of the year is something that one should be excited about but the first couple of days have been very somber for me. Each new year marks another without my mother and I miss her just as much today as I did the day I lost her. There aren’t enough words in any language to express the love and admiration I had and continue to have for this woman. She was my rock and anyone even remotely close to me can assure you that I was a “Mama’s Girl”.  I still can’t believe that it has only been two years without her because it feels like an eternity. January 5th will mark yet another year since the day I found her lifeless body lying on the floor in her apartment… the memory still fresh in my mind. It took at least 15 minutes before I could even let myself cry over the realization because I was in complete shock. She had pneumonia but people get over that every day and she had another doctor appointment right around the corner. Sadly she would never get to keep that appointment and I would never see her smile or feel her embrace again. Continue reading

GETTING SETTLED.

img_2776I wouldn’t say that much has changed since the last time I wrote something here, but I would say that there was a very important change that followed a couple weeks after my last post. I got a job! *does offbeat dance* Seriously though, searching for a job can be a nightmare so only going about a month without work seems like a major blessing.

Essentially, I was rapidly applying for jobs I wanted (and a few that I didn’t)  during the second half of September. When you have no income and you’ve been on medical leave for three months and officially unemployed for one… you get a bit desperate. I got lots of calls and emails for marketing/insurance sales  jobs based on my posted resume. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel like I had the skills to do anything sales related where my earnings would be based solely on commission. Continue reading