I’m having one of those weeks where I’ve been battling depression in a major way… I’ve tried my best to shake it off and pretend like everything is okay but I feel like I’m slowly falling apart. The worst thing about it for me is that depression has actually been known to pop up rather frequently on my mom’s side of the family… mental health issues in general. I’m not sure if any of my online friends know this but my mom has battled depression off and on since before I was born and always been on some form of medication for it, and in her early 40s she also got diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. While I know that I am not my mother and that my life may be just fine, I do have my moments where I start to doubt… the feeling just sort of sweeps over me out of nowhere and I hate it with a passion.
I believe what bothers me the most is that at this particular point in time I know exactly what factors are causing me to feel this way and I don’t know what to do about them. First of all, school is seriously stressing me out! I’m glad that this is a temporary problem that will be over in about three weeks (hopefully) but at times I worry that I won’t finish on time and have to retake some of my classes because I’m still struggling to catch up on things I missed when I was sick.
The second, has been something that is like roller coaster for the past 4 years… my job. While I am happy that I have employment and know that it could be worse. That place drives me insane, and lately more so than ever I feel like I’m on thin ice and could be out the door at any moment. The newest store manager seems to have it in for me (and a few others) and I’m already on a final write-up (after having none at all for over 3 and 1/2 years) for something completely ridiculous. Every day there feels like being trapped in a prison that I can’t quite escape from.
The last thing is probably the most prominent because I don’t know how long it will last, I can always quit my job or get a new one… preferably the latter because I have bills to pay… but I cannot determine what friends will stay in my life and which ones will drop out. All I can do is try my best to get them to stay… but it works both ways. The lack of significant other is a void I wish I could fill but I realize that it may not be fulfilled for many more years to come… and I’m partially okay with that. I’ve gone a good amount of time being single before and it wasn’t bad. Unfortunately the lack of a good friend that I feel has my back and is down for me no matter what is one thing that I cannot go on without much longer. There was a time when practically all of the few friends I had were considered “best friends” and while I still let a few people hold that title to be honest they don’t seem like one anymore… I feel like they’ve downgraded me to “person I’ve known for a long time but don’t have time for” and that’s fine. I understand that people can and often do grow apart at some point, even more so when there is a physical distance involved. The sad thing is that right now I don’t have the time to really meet any new people who could be potential best friends. I’ve recently gotten close to one person who seems like they could be a genuinely good friend, but I have my doubts about that as well. I think the primary reason for that is because I feel like we have already blurred the line a little too much between being friends and slightly crushing on each other to ever let it develop to its full potential… and sadly that is something that cannot be undone. There’s no rewind button in life but if there were I’d go back to keeping it more of a strictly friendly nature just for the simple fact that I know he isn’t interested in being anything but that… not now and possibly not ever. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve decided I’m okay with being just his friend but knowing that other things have happened between us could make the friendship awkward in the future.)
I just feel really lost right now and empty… being around my mother seems to be about the only thing that brings a smile to my face, and I don’t get be around her all that much lately. I think a sleepover at her house is in order for this coming weekend.