I love to write and I love to type, I guess that’s why I always made straight As in my Writing/Composition classes in high school and college. It’s one of the few things in my life I feel I can do effortlessly. Unfortunately, even with as fast as I can type… my fingers will never catch up with how quickly my mind works but perhaps that is for the best…
So, for some of the people who are a little closer to me… you may know that a chapter in my life recently came to a close much sooner than I expected it to and I’m still trying to figure out how to mentally deal with it but I know that in time I’ll be fine. I’m not going to point fingers or get into details because I don’t see a point… LIFE HAPPENS, and sometimes things don’t go quite how you want them to regardless of how much you wish they would.
The past few weeks I’ve been reflecting on myself a lot, and all the decisions I’ve made that have paved my path so far both negatively and positively. At the end of the day… all I can conclude is that life goes on and that trying to stay stuck in motion won’t do anything but hurt me. I’m still young… heck being 26 years old is considered “oh, you’re just a baby!” to a lot of people, believe me I know… I’ve heard it enough times lately LOL. And I can’t say I could even argue that because I realize there is so much more I have yet to experience. I can’t say that my 26 years has been a cake walk…. I’ve gone through things that many people would never even believe if I told them. Let’s just say there is a reason why I’m a very closed off and reserved person around a lot of people (family included).
As of right now my future seems very cloudy and uncertain, and that really bothers me but I know that in time things will get better for me. I am literally living day by day right now never knowing what the next day will bring and it drives me INSANE. I’m tired of being disappointed both by myself and others and I’m tired of being hurt. I want so badly to just crawl into a human sized turtle shell and hide away forever but I know in the end that won’t do me any good.
I’ve decided that I’m going to just work on myself as a person first and foremost, I figure if I’m not happy with who I am when I look in the mirror. Then I have no business trying to be happy with anyone else…. I truly envy some of my co-workers and former classmates with their loving husbands and 2.5 kids and I truly do want that some day but everyone has there own individual timeline and it is clearly not quite my time for all that yet and I’ve learned to accept it. So for right now securing a better job and being closer to my family and figuring out where I really want to be is my primary focus and probably will be for the next few years.
There are so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind 24/7 right now, some I’ve vented here and some I may keep to myself a little while longer. Some things are better left unsaid and some things simply need to be meditated on for awhile, but as always to the few readers that I do have…. continue to keep me in your thoughts it’s appreciated more than you could ever know.