Since coming back home to Texas I’ve been a little topsy turvy about how I feel being here again. On the one hand, I’m glad to be closer to family, particularly my mom… and yet I feel a strange emptiness since my return.
Being back here and starting all over again feels like a slap in the face, as though I keep screwing up my own life and I never learn from anything. I find myself feeling lost a lot lately and second guessing my decision to come back, wondering if really was the right thing to do. I suppose only time will answer that for me and patience has always been something I have struggled with.
I think part of my problem is that I look at the lives of others around me and on social networks and forget that I have my own path, and that as much as I envy the lives of others and want what they have… it just isn’t my time. I see all these people with beautiful children and loving husbands and wonder “when is it gonna be my turn?!” but the older I get the more I realize that having a family and being married is something that can’t and shouldn’t be forced.
I often wonder if I’ll ever be ready mentally for the things my heart desires. I want all that I just mentioned but I realize I’m not as ready for it as I’d like to be… heck I find myself waking up with a “screw love” attitude almost daily when I reflect on my past… sadly most of my experiences with love have ended in heartache and pain and thus I’m in no hurry to open myself up to possible hurt again. I have all these emotions inside both good and bad and not the slightest clue what to do with them… and it frustrates me to no end.
I’m not sure if what I’m saying will make sense to anyone, I’m not even sure it makes sense to me… but I genuinely felt the need to vent and since this is my little corner of the internet I felt entitled to do so 😉