The closer I get to the end of the year, the more I find my mind bursting with thoughts and feelings dying to get out of me. I used to think that this whole blog idea was pointless because I never knew what to write about, but now I’m all about just letting it flow whenever I have something on my mind.
I used to believe that if what I contemplated writing about had no interest to anyone else there was no reason to say anything. But I’m starting to realize this is MY personal blog and regardless of rather I get 5 views/comments or 0… it doesn’t matter.
But moving on to the nitty gritty, there are a lot of things I want to change with the upcoming year… not because it’s a new year but simply because I just returned home and I feel like I’m starting over in many aspects of my life. The fact that we are nearing a new year just coincidentally lines up with everything so I figure, why not use it? (This is definitely not a “New Year, New Me” post.)
One of things I’m leaving behind is something I should have done sooner, but I suppose there was something inside of me that was hopeful I wouldn’t have to…. friendships. I’ll be the first to admit that I am not exactly a social butterfly and that as a result I’ve been able to count my friends on one hand most of my life. I’ve always been a bit selective about who I trust and allow to get close to me, but I’m come to realize that I have either a.) I suck at choosing friends or b.) nearly everyone I once called friend has changed so much over the past years that I feel as if I no longer know them…
So starting now, since as someone mentioned to me yesterday… “what’s the point of waiting for the new year?” any of my so-called friends who have continuously made me feel like I am in a one-sided/fake friendship are getting cut off. There are a couple who I may allow to come back into my life if they make an honest effort but there are others who will never stand a chance working their way back in because its simply not worth it to try anymore.
I often find myself being the only one to reach out to many of my “friends”, always initiating contact with them as if I wouldn’t even exist in their world if I never sent them a message, text, or tried to call. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like friendship should be that way. It seems like the few times someone will reach out to me its only because they need something, NOT COOL. I need a shoulder to cry on too sometimes, they are not the only ones who go through things.
Therefore, I believe I have officially given up on trying to chase down people to be my friends who clearly don’t value you my inclusion in their life nearly as much as I once valued theirs. I’m only hurting myself if I let the cycle continue.
As the year progresses I’m certain that I will choose to leave other things in my life behind, but at the moment the only other I can think of is love. If I remember correctly I mentioned not dating for a year or so and giving myself some me time in an entry about a month back. That plan still holds true but for more reasons than one might perceive from the outside.
I’ve taken notice in the past few months that although I try to deny it there are still a lot of people from my past that I still have love for; even though they deserve something much closer to hate. I have heard many people say to me that I am “too nice” and when I sit back and think about it, I am. I often find that I give many people way more chances they deserve both as friends and lovers.
I don’t expect to stop being that way overnight or to instantly stop loving people simply because I want to… but I believe that in time I will be able to let go and get over these people. I feel as if the fact that I actually want to get over them with a passion I’ve never felt before will help the process along more quickly.
As for future love… my heart simply can’t take it… the very idea of opening up to anyone again often makes me want to ball up and cry. I’m not saying that I’ll never love again or that I’ve embraced the idea of being #ForeverAlone but I need a break. I’m a very emotional person, there is absolutely no denying that. I’m also a very loving person, and when the time is right I’m sure my heart will warm back up to the idea.
However, right now its simply too painful to even fathom.