WHERE DO I BELONG?

sadaloneThat sounds like such a simple question but to be perfectly honest I don’t have a clue. I have been a loner my entire life but for some reason it never bothered me much until now. Maybe its because for the first time in my life I’m content on being totally alone and not dating. For the longest I had a mentality of “okay, I don’t have a lot of friends but I have a boyfriend so I’m good!” and now I’m to a point where I’m not the least bit concerned about having a relationship and I still have a limited number of friends.

I honestly have to say that 90% of the time I feel as though I do not fit in anywhere. It’s a breeze to make conversation and build new friendships on the internet but in the real world… it’s never been my thing.  People online seem to think that I have a knack for drawing people to me but I can assure that ONLY happens when I’m behind the screen of a computer, phone, or tablet.

“But you’re so pretty, you must at least have guys trying to talk to you!?” uh that would be a resounding NO… it took a long time for me to honestly feel like I was pretty and even now I still lack that “I know I look good!” level of confidence. And while occasionally someone will be brave enough to speak to me, most men act like they are afraid to speak or  that they are intimidated and/or have a preconceived notion that I’m mean or stuck up.

To this day some people seem puzzled as to why I’ve had such low self esteem in the past, but growing up my mother (love her to death) is partially to blame for that… she never made me feel beautiful (I’d be lucky if she’d even tell me I looked cute).  And through the worst parts of puberty my best friend around that time was a biracial girl (Black and Filipino) with beautiful hair and a gorgeous complexion…. kinda hard not to feel like a “Plain Jane” next to that….

But moving away from the ability to physically attract someone onto a more social one… I am an introvert… a social hermit… antisocial in every sense of the way. The sad thing is that is has nothing to do with being shy or timid… (although I do have moments where that can be the case). For the most part its simply because I don’t feel like talking to most people. Why? because most people do not understand me or my personality… they think I’m weird/unusual/different… and you know what? they are right, and I would not have it any other way.

The problem with all that is that I often find myself feeling like an outcast and wondering where I fit in, or if I’ll ever really feel embraced by anything aside from social media and online contacts.

… it’s very frustrating when you don’t know what to do other than be yourself, and you’re not sure anyone will ever truly want to be around the real you without you jumping through hoops. It leaves me bummed out at times when I really start to think about it…. and before you ask yes I have tried to step out of my shell a few times and it never ends well.

4 thoughts on “WHERE DO I BELONG?

  1. Steven says:

    It’s good to be weird. normal is so boring. The thing about people like you is that the friends you have will be worth much more than people who have 20 friends and 19 of them know nothing about them.

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