They say that the sun always shows up after a storm, and yet I don’t really feel that vibe. I can’t pretend like all the other months of this year weren’t absolutely amazing overall but this last one is like a thorn in my side. I’ve been trying to act like things don’t bother me but a girl can only take so much and I feel like I’m quickly approaching my breaking point and slowly drifting into depression. It angers me a little because depression is something I’ve battled for much of my little 27 years of life… but it is what it is.
Let me just say that this blog is more of a pouring out my heart/venting post… I’m not looking for sympathy but writing is therapeutic and I’m going through a lot right now.
I haven’t publicly spoken on some of these things but if you’re in my circles on G+ or perhaps even one of my followers on Twitter than you may have an idea of some of the things I have been dealing with lately. The main thing that has me down as of late is my health… a little over a week ago I had this excruciating pain shoot up seemingly out of nowhere with no explanation. I enrolled in insurance a couple months ago with my employer that won’t kick in until January… so I figured I would be okay until then and just try to get through it. I’ve had a fairly noticeable hard abdominal mass on my body for about a year now but wasn’t sure what it was… I just ignored it and started buying looser fitting t-shirts so that folks would stop asking me if I was pregnant. It didn’t hurt so I figured I’d just get it checked out later… worst idea ever. Unfortunately that pain ended up being something that could not be ignored so my father ended up bring me in to the Neighborhood Emergency Center to try to get an idea of what was going on. The doctor there was of very little help, told me I probably had a kidney stone but that I needed to get my abdominal mass looked at by an OB-GYN as soon as possible because it could be fibroid tumors. No medicine for the pain, just recommendations for the same over the counter crap I was already taking. I called in at work the next couple days after that to try to recoup from the pain… When I returned to work I managed to get through one solid day, the next I barely made it through lunchtime before having to go to the ER at one of the local hospitals here because the pain had me in tears.
I found out that I have anemia and then of course the bigger one… that I do in fact have tumors and large ones at that. They told me the largest one is about 13cm and around the size of a soft ball, the other approximately half that size… and that they had stretched my uterus to being about 8-10 times larger than it should be. The only good news out of this visit was that they don’t seem to be cancerous and the most depressing was being told I need a hysterectomy. Keep in mind I’m not even 30 yet… I have no husband, boyfriend, nada… and I’ve yet to have the opportunity to procreate.
I cried a little when I heard the news, primarily because even without the tumors I had always had abnormal and heavy cycles and had a feeling I may not be able to have children. My own mother couldn’t even manage to have me or my brother naturally… we were both a C-Section… but hearing confirmation is a lot different than having a feeling about something.
I realize I can get a second or even third opinion and I plan to but I swear if one more person gives me that suggestion I just might scream. I appreciate your concern, sincerely I do… but even if I end up not getting a full hysterectomy I don’t see myself ever having my own biological children. I don’t even want to try because I don’t think my body would take it well and I’ve seen too many people in my family have still born and miscarried children. I’m not putting myself through that… I’m sorry but I can’t.
So I’ve been low key freaking out about the fact that my family is taking this “no kids” thing even harder than me, they refuse to believe it and I don’t have the heart to tell them “Look, no matter how many opinions I get unless I give my eggs to a surrogate I’m not having any babies”. I worry it would just upset them even more (my dad especially) and it sucks not being able to tell them how I truly feel.
Meanwhile, I’m also sitting here contemplating what man would ever want to be with me if I can’t give them children? I know there are guys out there that would be okay with adoption but I haven’t come across any. As a matter of fact the look I got from the last guy I was with when I told him I worried I may not be able to have children had me surprised he didn’t break up with me on the spot.
I’m just fearful that I really am going to end up being a single lady with lots of pets to keep her company. My track record with men is admittedly not the best and the older I get the less I even want to try. I don’t trust easily and I have walls upon walls up… I can make someone think they are super close to me and then shut them out as easily as the flipping of a switch… I don’t like being that way but its a defense mechanism and every time I feel myself getting too vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt there is a part of me that wants to run as far away from that person as quickly as possible. Maybe I’m just damaged goods who knows… either way I’m not happy at all right now. There are things here and there that bring me temporary happiness, like something on a TV show that’ll make me laugh or the smile I get when someone sends me a Secret Santa gift… but at the end of the night when the lights are off and I’m balled up under my covers… all I want to do lately is cry.
I feel like my life is going nowhere fast. I’m not where I want to be location wise, career wise, health wise… nothing in my life feels right at the moment and it frustrates me to no end. I’m ready for this storm to pass…