talk-to-the-handSomeone said something to me earlier today about having walls up and it made me start to wonder if perhaps I’m being too defensive when it comes to matters of the heart… its been a year and some months since my last relationship and I haven’t really dated anyone since then. There was a brief stint over the summer where I spent 4th of July weekend hanging out with a guy who was into me, but I’m not even sure I could consider that casual dating . His friends were around most of the trip and aside from riding around Houston in my car we had no alone time.

I have to admit that I haven’t totally hated being #TeamSingle and thus haven’t really been trying to change my relationship status. However, I have had people show interest and the more I reflect on it the more I realize that I honestly never give them a chance.  I have myself so convinced that I do not need to be with anyone that I seem to have completely blocked out the mere thought of it even being a possibility. In hindsight I may have missed an opportunity to date a good person because I wouldn’t allow myself to get to know them.

Prime example the “Summer Guy“, he doesn’t live in the same city as I do but he lives close enough to where attempting to be more than friends did not seem completely irrational to me at first. After spending two days with him that were actually pretty amazing and talking to him on the phone for about a month or so following that… I completely shut down and cut contact with him. He didn’t really do anything wrong, but I started to focus on the few things about him that weren’t appealing to me as if I were trying to make up excuses of why I shouldn’t try to get serious with him.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t the first guy to get this reaction out of me and likely won’t be the last. He was pretty much the only local guy who came close to being “let in” and as soon as he seemed to be getting too close I ran away…

I clearly have a problem with letting people get close to me, even on a friendship level and its gotten worse over time. There’s a big part of me that wants to argue that I’m protecting myself and to an extent I truly do believe that… however I worry that it could lead to doing more harm than good.  As of late, the only person I’ve felt comfortable letting in is someone who was already one of my closest friends (so I’m not sure that counts for much). He is also conveniently about 1,000 miles away from me… and while I don’t think that means its impossible for us to ever be more than friends, something in my gut tells me that the comfort I feel with him is partially because I know there are no guarantees and no labels, no commitment…

Don’t get me wrong, I want all of that eventually but the thought of being with someone again still has me hot and cold. One minute I’m like “heck yeah, I can totally see myself being (Insert Name Here)’s girl friend and then I’m like “uh…. I’m so not ready for this!”  Let’s just say this is a very complicated time in my life. I don’t want to feel like I am willing to just jump into a relationship just to be in one, but I also don’t want to miss out on a potential good thing because I’m too afraid to take chances and worried about getting hurt.

This subject matter will definitely be something to ponder as the year progresses…

4 thoughts on “AM I TOO GUARDED?

    • Rachel Elizabeth says:

      Thank you, I’d create a login for you to proofread them before they are posted but I don’t know if you have time for all that lol 🙂

  1. Owen says:

    It makes sense to be scared. It makes sense to put up walls. It makes sense to stay alone and self reliant.

    Being in a relationship is the opposite of all of those things. You’re smart. You know this.

    I think that a part of you wants to make that leap into nonsense. I think that you are hoping that the next person you let in will somehow show you beforehand that it won’t be a mistake.

    I don’t have answers for you. But I do have your back.

    • Rachel Elizabeth says:

      Yeah, I don’t mind being alone and I hate when folks (usually older) hit me with “you’re still not married?” as though I have an expiration date. I’m not really in a rush, I think the walls will come down when they are meant to… either way there will always be the possibility that I’m going to get hurt so I just have to be certain that I’m willing to risk it when that person comes along.

Leave a Reply