I wasn’t sure if I would be able to write anything about my mother this week but then I remembered how much writing has always been my best outlet and that if there was ever a time to let my words flow, it would be now.
I don’t even know where to begin… obviously I miss her… I missed her before she passed because I hadn’t seen her in a few days and I’m still beating myself up about that. She knew that I hadn’t been feeling well physically and she did all she could to take care of her “baby” she would bring me food, come help me wash my clothes… anything I needed. It pained me that when she got sick a few weeks ago apart from visiting her in the hospital for a few hours and dropping by to see if she needed food or something after she was released… I couldn’t really do anything to console her. She was the light of my life and the most important person in the world to me.
It still bothers me that my brother and I don’t know exactly what happened, I don’t know if her pneumonia got worse or if something else occurred. It was very much a one day she’s here and the next she’s gone moment… I last heard her voice late on Saturday night when I called to check on her, I talked to her twice that day and I’m glad that I did. It makes me slightly less saddened knowing that my voice was the last one she heard.
I still keep wishing I’d told her I loved her one last time, or that I could have gotten another hug… another kiss on the cheek. Her smile was the most beautiful thing in the world to me and the sound of her laughter could only be rivaled by that of a child…
Its been a few days since I found her lifeless body in her apartment on my lunch break and I keep thinking about how I’m glad that I didn’t wait until I got off to go by. The thought of her being there for days after dying alone just wouldn’t have settled well with me… I’m still trying to process it all but I know that would have made it even harder on me. I keep wishing that I had not been by myself when I discovered her though… that was very intense and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. I think part of the reason I haven’t truly been able to grieve is because of the shock from that.
I know she’s gone but there’s a part of me that still can’t accept it… it hurts to look at my reflection in the mirror because all I see is her. I pick up my phone and her face is there smiling back at me in my favorite contacts… and I want to press it to call her and then I remember that I can’t because there is no one there to answer. It’s difficult for me and I know it’ll get worse before it gets better. It’ll be especially hard when I get back to work because I called her everyday when I went to lunch to make sure she was awake and moving around. That usually consisted of her moving from the bed to the couch to watch News at Noon and the Young & the Restless 🙂 and I often called her when I got off work too… we always went grocery shopping together. Not being able to do those things anymore along with a several others is a harsh reality I’m not looking forward to coming to terms with.
I just feel like I’m in a compete daze right now, just floating along and hoping this is all a bad dream that I’ll awaken from any minute now. She can’t be gone, she was so young and so happy and full of love and life and it’s not fair. She truly was my best friend, I could talk to her about anything and she was always there to listen, whether I was venting about frustrations with my job or running to her crying with a broken heart… it hurts that I won’t have that anymore.
I haven’t slept in my apartment since Sunday night but I going to try to go back tonight. Every time I go in there I can picture her sitting at my dinning table or in the corner of my room sitting in her chair watching Netflix with me for hours… I started crying last night because a button fell off of one of my sweaters and it reminded me of a sewing kit that I had just bought her about a month ago because she wanted to fix the buttons that had fallen off of some of my coats over the years. I hate how it seems like anywhere I go in my small city reminds me of her… the grocery store, a restaurant…
However, through all the sadness I’m feeling right now… I can’t help but be grateful for having such an amazing relationship with her. I have no guilt or regrets about how things were between us. I know that she died knowing I loved her to the moon and back and that I always will. We shared so many good times with each other and I know they’ll last me a lifetime.
In these past few days I’ve had memories resurface that I haven’t thought of in ages… like how excited I’d get on the days she would pick me up from daycare and bring me a snack. It was a rarity but every once in awhile she’d bring me some peanut butter crackers, a can of Tree Top Apple Juice and a “little people” straw (it was actually a coffee stirrer but I had no idea back then, lol). I also think of things like how she would run her fingers through my hair and rub my head until I fell asleep when I didn’t feel good…. the days when I had just started high school and we’d buy matching outfits like twins. So many memories, great ones that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.
It was an honor to have such a wonderful woman in my life to guide me and love me, and I will do all I can to keep her memory alive. I know she’s no longer here physically but I feel like she will always be with me in spirit even now as I sit here trying not to cry I can almost hear her voice telling me that its okay.
The first few days were rough, and it just feels like a roller coaster for me. I keep having people asking me what they can do or what I need, and not knowing what to say to them. I can’t have what I need because what I need is my mother, my mommy and that’s no longer an option for me.
I truly do believe time will help heal all this hurt that I feel right now, it has to. As for the time being… if you reach out to me and I don’t respond or I’m slow to, please don’t take it personal I’m just trying to deal with this and grieve on my own terms. There are some days when I want to be embraced by a lot of people and others when I just want to be alone in silence or with music and nothing else but my thoughts. I will get through this though, as will my brother and all of her remaining siblings and extended family. Please know that we appreciate all of your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.