I’ve been working on this entry for 20 days now according to my revision history on WordPress which is pretty bad so I figured it was about time to polish it up, make adjustments and just pull the trigger (aka press publish). This is one of those things where I’ve had a thought I wanted to expand on for awhile but never quite knew how to put it all together… I don’t get writer’s block often but it does happen. I have wanted to write on this topic for over a month and even now I find it a struggle as this has been in draft form for an eternity… I’ve had several moments of staring at the screen watching the cursor blink at me like “come on already!” This was originally supposed to be my first entry post hiatus but I’ve somehow managed to bang out two posts while this one sat in draft mode possibly to never see the light of day. My hiatus ended up being a lot longer than I planned but sometimes life gets in the way of hobbies. I’m honestly not sure if I’m writing about this strictly to vent or because I want the opinions and feedback of others but feel free to leave a comment or respond to the post I share on Google+.
I’ve heard many people say that marrying or even dating your best friend is the best thing in the world, but from personal experience I’ve found that it can also be the worst. I often wonder when I see or hear about couples that are best friends if they reached that level of friendship before or after they got together… I’m not sure it makes a difference but I imagine it could. In my case, when I decided to dive in and date a friend about 5 years ago we were already best friends for a few years before we got to the dating part, there was always a chemistry between us but we held off on acting on it for quite awhile. I find myself thinking back on the situation from time to time wishing we’d never acted on it though because I lost one of my closest friends when it didn’t work out. I’ve also come to realize that I have regretted dating anyone I was friends with prior to, even if it wasn’t quite at the best friend level. Far too many of my past relationships have gone sour because we weren’t quite right for each other but tried anyway. I guess that’s life… if you don’t take a chance you’ll never really know what can happen.
I think my problem is that I’m afraid to take chances, fears of failure and rejection have begun to plague me. I tried to be in denial about it for a little while but sometimes you just can’t escape reality. I’ve had friends show interest in me and sometimes it has been mutual and I have even thought of “what ifs” but I always seem to talk myself out of it. Its as though I’m letting past experiences override my willingness to try to put myself out there again… I’ll lower my walls just enough to let someone in and then suddenly feel the desire to slam the door. I guess I’ve just been contemplating is it worth it to try or am I better off by myself? and also… when I am ready to date will I be okay with it being a friend?
I feel like I won’t be, but I know that when your best friend and your lover are one in the same it can be pretty amazing, I do at least remember that from past experience even if it didn’t last. I just don’t want to risk losing the bond that comes with being “best friends” because of lust and curiosity… I guess time will tell and eventually I’ll get a little braver. I would hate to miss out on a good thing because I’m a wimp…