You know how you have those moments in life where it seems like everything is falling into place and you completely ignore your instincts telling you something is not quite right? Well, I do. I have had more moments in my life than I care to admit where I’ve made decisions with 100% heart and 0% brain… and while they seemed to go okay for awhile they eventually crashed and burned. I understand the importance of life lessons and I wouldn’t change any of my past experiences for anything in the world. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and in its own time.
For the first time in what seems like forever, my mind and heart seem to be on the same page and in complete unity. There is no little voice in the back of my mind saying “Stop, don’t do it!” and while its a bit unusual I’m loving it.
I’ll be 29 in a few months and while I’m not quite where I thought I would be in my life at this point, I do see the start line for so many things I’ve always envisioned for myself and it makes me immensely happy. I’ve had to mentally process a good number of things within the past 2 years or so but I refuse to let those things get me down. I lost my mother at the beginning of last year (which most of you know) and I took that very hard… she was my best friend and the #1 person in my life and it happened so suddenly. This year would have been her 60th birthday and I had actually hoped to throw her a party, but she never knew and now it’ll never happen. It sucks that she won’t get to see me marry the love of my life or become a mother myself but I do feel like she’s still watching over me in some regard.
I have also had to deal with the loss of being able to bear children on my own… that’s a hard pill to swallow when you are still in your 20s. It would be one thing if I had issues with fertility and there was a fraction of a chance to get pregnant but I don’t have that option. I had an abdominal hysterectomy 3 weeks ago and I’m still fighting my emotions over it. I was originally supposed to have a myomectomy which is simply to remove the fibroid tumors and leave the uterus intact but had already been advised that due to the size they may have to remove my uterus and sadly that is exactly what they had to do. My biggest tumor was over 10 pounds before removal, and I’m a very small chick so it still baffles me that something that large was inside of me. Its a very personal and scary experience but I knew it was a necessity for my health and I know in time I will heal both physically and emotionally. On the bright side, I definitely plan to adopt a couple kiddos in the future and possibly attempt to have a child by surrogate as well. Thankfully I still have that option as they didn’t remove what I need for that… a little light in the darkness right?
I have to say that through both of these times… the thing that seems to keep my head above water is having such an amazing support system. My immediate family and the few close friends I have are literally my saving grace. My boyfriend fits somewhere in between family and friend ironically. At the time my mom passed away we were merely friends but he called me the second he found out and even sent me a personal card with a poem he wrote just for me… I still have it and will probably frame it. This year (as my boyfriend), even though he was on a business trip out of town he made time to call me on the anniversary of her death after I had left work early as a result of already spending hours trying to fight back tears. He asked me what I planned to do at home and I said I’d probably just sit on the couch and watch movies that my mom and I loved to watch together… his response was asking me if I’d mind if we continue to do that every year as a thing and I couldn’t help but smile.
As fearful as I had been about trying to date one of my closest friends who literally knows everything about me… I’m so glad that I had the courage to try because this man truly has been just what I needed. My family really likes him, even my brother seems impressed which NEVER happens and with my brother moving back home for awhile in the next month I’m excited that they’ll get to meet up. As for my father, he already called him his son-in-law and didn’t even realize it the day of my surgery. He’s known of him for years as one of my closest friends and heard nothing but good things about how he’s always helped and looked after me like family. When he saw how much Kevin cared for me in the hospital he called him a “real man” for being so attentive to me. I also think he likes the fact that he’s already put a ring on my finger even if it is a “promise” ring. I could gush on my man more but I’ve already made posts on both of my social media profiles about how much he continues to amaze me (and my last blog entry was all about him too, lol). I’m so in love that it scares me sometimes, but the fact that my family supports it fills me with joy. His family has also been so kind to me, his mother is truly an angel… I barely know her but she is one of the sweetest souls I’ve ever met.
I finally feel like my life is moving forward in the right direction and I’m so excited to get started. I think this year is going to be a really great one!