BITTERSWEET MEMORIES.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on here and the only excuse I have to offer is that I’ve been busy living life. My job all but drains me during the day and by the time I make it home its nearly 8 o’clock… and after this week my schedule will be shifting to a point where I don’t get home til closer to 10 in the evening. I’m grateful to have my job though because there were so many months last year that I wasn’t able to work.

The beginning of the year is something that one should be excited about but the first couple of days have been very somber for me. Each new year marks another without my mother and I miss her just as much today as I did the day I lost her. There aren’t enough words in any language to express the love and admiration I had and continue to have for this woman. She was my rock and anyone even remotely close to me can assure you that I was a “Mama’s Girl”.  I still can’t believe that it has only been two years without her because it feels like an eternity. January 5th will mark yet another year since the day I found her lifeless body lying on the floor in her apartment… the memory still fresh in my mind. It took at least 15 minutes before I could even let myself cry over the realization because I was in complete shock. She had pneumonia but people get over that every day and she had another doctor appointment right around the corner. Sadly she would never get to keep that appointment and I would never see her smile or feel her embrace again.

I’m not looking forward to working any  of the days this week but especially not on Thursday… its going to be a challenge for me because the memories of her will be at the forefront of my mind even more so than usual. The holidays as a whole have been quite difficult so I’m just hoping that I don’t have a complete breakdown before the week is over. I know she wouldn’t want me or my brother to be sad or upset… but its hard. There are many people that say they have the best mother in the world and I am among them. While my mom and I definitely had rocky points in our relationship… I wouldn’t have traded her for the world. She was the perfect mother for me and the perfect woman to raise me. I know I’m still paving out the road for my life’s path… I’ve only been married 4 months and kids are still a bit off into the future for us. I also have career goals and other things I want to accomplish in my life… however, I truly feel that if my mom could see me right now she’d be proud of how far I’ve come along just in these two short years.

All I can do is continue to take life one day at a time, there will be moments when the pain of losing her is stronger than others. There will also be days when I can’t stop thinking about all the girls nights we had going to the movies and out to dinner… dancing in the car to silly music… making fun of characters on television… and so much more. I may not have had as much time with my mom as I would have liked but I definitely made the most of the time we had together with no regrets. I know that she’s no longer in pain and free from all the illnesses that ailed her but there is a part of me that will always feel sorrow because I wish she was still here.

Please keep myself and anyone else you may know who has lost a loved one in your thoughts during this week and throughout the year. We appreciate it more than you could ever imagine.

Mom Dancing in Car.

4 thoughts on “BITTERSWEET MEMORIES.

  1. Kevin F says:

    That’s a beautiful read. I already told you before but I wish I could have met her before she passed. That will be one of, if not my only regret in this life, to meet and get to know my wife’s mom. The person that helped make you who you are. And for me to thank her for bringing you into this world.

    • Rachel Elizabeth says:

      There’s not a doubt in my mind that she would have adored you but I seriously wish you could have met her as well.

  2. LaTanya Sigee Hurts says:

    Hey Rachel, I know your blog is a personal place to vent yet I find myself extremely apprecitive of your writing. I’ve never really been at a loss for words until losing my brother. I know it isnt the same type of loss but as I read your thoughts through tear-filled eyes I looked at certain things you wrote & thought, “Yeah what she said…” Recently I have more feelings than I know what to do with…perhaps writing will give me the release I can’t seem to find anywhere else. I pray for peace and I trust God to grant it, yet almost daily I struggle not to let the ache of missing my brother consume me. To some it might seem like nothing but thanks so much for sharing.
    LaTanya

    • Rachel Elizabeth says:

      Hey LaTanya, it may not be the same type of loss but it is still a huge loss and I imagine very painful. It’s hard to lose anyone but even more so when it’s completely unexpected. I’ve found that writing can be very therapeutic and I encourage you to give it a try. In my experience so far the ache never goes away but over time it gets a little less overwhelming… and venting this way definitely helps me feel a bit more at peace.

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