IT’S BEEN AWHILE.

So… I’ve had hiatuses from blogging before here and there but generally not this long for my personal blog (the tech one? well now, that is a COMPLETELY different story…). I’ve been around the interwebs here and there and occasionally posting on social media but I have been dealing with some things in my life that made this website feel like less of a priority. If you’re a curious person such as myself you may be wondering what things so I’ll just go ahead and dive right in… literally weeks after my last post on here in January I more or less had a mental breakdown. It was gradual but as it got worse it went from feeling like a slow fall to more of a “crash and burn” situation. While I knew I had issues and had discussed concerns with my spouse… making that step to actually do something about it was not easy. I finally made the necessary phone call though and they booked me an immediate appointment with a counselor the next day.

I spilled my guts to her about the kind of thoughts I’d been having lately and the way that I felt from day to day… she immediately recommended I see a psychiatrist for medication and also encouraged a short term disability leave from my job. I panicked for a few reasons… one I’d only been at my job for 3 months (literally fresh out of training) and two, fully acknowledging that I was dealing with mental health issues was tough for me. There’s still a bit of a stigma around it in today’s society and when you combine that with hereditary issues on both sides of my family and more directly my mother… it scared the crap out of me. I didn’t want to be that person… I didn’t want to need medicine to feel somewhat “normal” but I talked to my employer and given the circumstances they allowed me to take a leave for one month. During that month I began taking antidepressants and doing group therapy which has helped more than I could have ever imagined. I also realized that I had  a lot issues with anxiety and eventually was written a prescription for that as well. The anxiety medicine is just now starting to truly work after about 4 weeks but that plus my “happy pills” seems to be keeping me level headed. I’ve also started doing daily (well almost daily) meditation to help with my focus. Meditation was one of those things I had always been a bit skeptical of but it really does help me calm down when I’m anxious or help me feel more positive about my day if I do it prior to work. I don’t feel nearly as stressed out these days and I’m grateful that I decided to seek help before I did something stupid. My thoughts are much more positive now and I’m a lot happier as well.

Most importantly I still have my amazing husband by my side who has been beyond supportive  of me through any mental or physical illness that has come my way within the last couple years. I know there are a lot of people that deal with Behavioral Health out there but many aren’t very open about it and understandably so. I’m grateful to have such an understanding and supportive family and I pray I never take them for granted.

BODY IMAGE.

Body_typesSociety makes me sick at times, it seems that if you’re naturally slim people call you anorexic. And if you’re pleasantly plump but without curves many people just label you fat, it’s ridiculous! I personally think that beauty comes in every shape and size and that as they say… it is in the eye of the beholder. It bothers me that so many people are fixated on the mere size of a person as a reason why they will write them off.

I came across a graphic or “meme” rather just last night that really struck home with me as naturally slender person. It used two different graphics one that I’d seen before saying that “Real men like curves only dogs go for bones.” and then beneath it was a rebuttal saying  “Real men go for whatever the f@#$ they like.”… I cannot deny there was a silent “yes, thank you!” in my head right after reading that.

I believe that big is beautiful, and I’m totally comfortable with saying that I have seen my fair share of sexy drop dead gorgeous women that are far bigger and more curvaceous than me. I understand the fascination with them and I hate that their beauty is not presented more predominately in culture (magazines, television, etc) today. It’s getting better but it’s not quite there yet. However, there are women like myself who are just a beautiful and most importantly HEALTHY despite how skinny they may be. I am far from a tooth pick and while I may not wear skin tight clothing all day everyday please believe I have enough behind to grab on to and hips and thighs for days. I didn’t really realize I had hips that were worth noticing until it was pointed out to me during a physical I had last year and I was told that it was good for my health (who knew).

Coming up, due to the fact that majority of the women in my family were bigger and/or thicker than me… I always felt like something was wrong with me for being so slender. I felt bad about it… so many girls feel insecure because they don’t think they are small enough and yet here I was hoping and praying to get bigger. It drove me insane, and there was nothing I could do about it because that is just the way my body was designed to be… I have a fast metabolism and people can love me or hate me for it but it is what it is. I know it won’t last forever and eventually slow down, it already has to an extent. But I’ve learned to appreciate my body and love and embrace it as it is.

Over time I’ve realized that people should not be judged nor defined by their appearance alone, whether it’s their size, skin color, fashion sense… you have to dig deeper to what’s on the inside. If you have a preference for certain physical attributes there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, people simply like what they like. But never belittle someone just because they have no ass and can’t help it or because they have a little jiggle under their arms and a bit of a tummy… it’s beyond insensitive and hurts people more than you may realize. Some of the most beautiful people I know are the ones with the lowest self esteem.